Sunday 23 February 2014

Weight Watchers: try the new low HB diet

What is weight?

You know the answer to that one. You went to school. It's a force.

And what do we know about forces?

They're something to do with acceleration. F=ma. Force = mass times acceleration. That's what Newton said.

When DMossEsq was at school, 300 years after Newton, we were taught that here on planet Earth the rate of acceleration due to gravity is 9.81 metres per second per second. It's fixed. So how come different people have different weights?

Answer, because they have different masses, obviously, so if you want to reduce your weight, you need to reduce your mass.

But what is mass?

Newton kept pretty quiet about that question. Or so we were told at school. But things have moved on now.

Now we know that particles have mass because Higgs Bosons give it to them. No Higgs Bosons, no mass. If you want to reduce your mass and, thereby, reduce your weight, you need to stop eating Higgs Bosons. You need to eat food that is low in Higgs Bosons. A healthy diet is a low-HB diet.

It is unbelievable that the marketing men haven't already unleashed a blizzard of advertisements for low-HB food. And it's downright irresponsible of the UK health fraternity not yet to have set up a single HB watchdog. Where is our HB Tsar? Are expectant mothers to be allowed to continue consuming Higgs Bosons to their heart's content with no thought for the baby? How many HB trawler research projects have been funded so far? None. Use an HB trawler before boarding a plane and the airlines could charge less for your ticket as less fuel would be required for your flight – new dry-cleaned and freshly pressed Higgs Bosons could be returned to you on arrival, adding 10 years to your life expectancy. The possibilities are endless and the authorities don't seem even to have started yet. It's pitiful.

They'll catch up, though, in the end. Just remember when you're filling in your requirements on a dating website and you see your first chance to specify HB preference, you read it here first.

© Weight Watchers 2014 – not a single reference to the Higgs Boson

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I trust that you realise, Mr Moss, that if you remove all the Higgs Bosons from a body, then it will be unable to accelerate, being possessed by then of no mass, and so unable to jet away on holiday.

I remain, Sir, your faithful servant

I Newton (Sir)

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